Kosmo

I hate today. I absolutely hate the date of April 8th. (sorry if today is your birthday) but today could possibly be the worst day of my life. In this post I desire to share the story of my dad. This is going to be a long, heartfelt post, so you have permission to turn around and leave now. 

I have always wanted to put into words what this day means- but I get severe anxiety and sharp stomach pains when i try to bring up  the memories. I promised myself I was going to write this post straight through- without erasing much- therefore there are going to be errors in sentences but it's going to be honest and straightforward.

I want to start by sharing a little bit about my father.

He was so amazing. My father was the most self-LESS man in the world. It can be traced back to his twenties when he left his family to come to America to create a life for himself. He worked so unbelievably hard to receive his masters while working 2 kitchen jobs and juggling being a husband/father. Even when I was a little girl I can remember him giving- it didn't matter if it was time, money, clothes- he would give anything for anyone.

My father was diagnosed with cancer when I was in 6th grade. By God's grace he went into remission after surgery/treatment and was cancer free for 5 years. When I was in 10th grade he was re-diagnosed with liver cancer- a more aggressive kind. My father was a fighter- he tried it all- surgery, radiation, 20 different types of chemo- he never wanted to give up. He never shared his struggle though- never expressed how much he hurt- never expressed his anxiety, thoughts, or fears- and that is something I deeply regret not learning. 

I lost my father on April 8th, 2008. That is a day I will never forget. I knew I was going to miss him - but i never fully understood the magnitude of it all. This past year I have needed my dad- maybe more than other years. There are so many questions I still need to ask-so many lessons I still need to learn. If I knew- I would have loved him so much better-and I hate feeling like I didn't do all that I could. 

The last thing I want to say is please love. do not forget to love. There are so many things I wish I could have done differently- more time I wish I would have spent- more questions I wish I would have asked. I have learned and grown from this experience so much that sometimes I feel like I'm 40 and I've missed my twenties. I just hope I can express respectfully that life is not forever, and we are not promised beautiful, healthy lives. Please choose love. Life is too short to choose hate. 

 I think I needed to write this more for me, but thank you for baring with me. I can only hope I have conveyed my feelings in a way that pushes you to realize that love is greater than anything else. Even the last words my dad said to my mom was I love you. It was so beautiful.

The last LAST thing I would like to say is despite everything I know my father is in heaven and that gives me so much peace. I am thankful he is with the Lord, free from cancer and pain. Believing that truth brings light into this situation- knowing I will see him one day- and I cannot wait.

Ps. this post is called Kosmo because that was my nickname for my dad. I loved it and I know he did too.

Wedding Bells

Last month I got to go home to Arizona. I LOVE Arizona this time of year-I know Arizonans do not take this time for granted- for they soon know they will be burning their hands on their steering wheels and getting dehydration headaches daily. But March, if only it could slow down and last all year.

2 out of the 3 times I’ve been home this year were for weddings- best friend weddings!

I should preface this by saying after my wedding (which I loved) I realized a lot of the planning went towards hoping the guests would have a good time- cocktail hour, dinner choices, song choices, etc! I have definitely learned to enjoy/appreciate weddings a tad more after I planned one!

Needless to say I was SO excited for Kays wedding! Kay and I had been friends for 4 years, since the very first day of college! Kay’s wedding was the first outdoor wedding that I have seen in a long time. The weather couldn’t have been better, and she had every detail perfectly planned.I can't describe- it's a must see-

Check out her pictures here:

Pictures!

It’s just been such an honor being a witness for 2 of my close friends and seeing them exchange their vows- the biggest promise of their lives!  I am so thankful that we can all be in the same boat- riding through life’s stages together! I’m just wondering who’s going to have the first baby!! (That’s a scary thought)

On a different note- I’m a little nervous about tomorrow. Tomorrow marks my Daddy’s three year anniversary (?) date of when he passed. This week has been exceptionally difficult as I try to deal with missing him so much. I will post more openly tomorrow- but I’m a little nervous for it to come and go- three years has been a long time without my Dad.

xoxo

Updates!

I can't believe it has been 3 weeks since I last posted. I don't know what is happening to me. There is a persistent feeling telling me I should blog-next comes the pressure to be creative- then I find myself at a loss for words. Today I'm determined to update no matter how boring it may be!

First I would like to say- I can’t believe my time left in Erie is coming to an end. I can’t believe the snow has stopped falling and the roads are finally clear. I’m not nervous to drive anymore- a feeling most of us take for granted. With these changes also comes the end of our time here, in our cute little town home. Work received its “one month notice” and I even started collecting boxes.  Changes are approaching.

Things I’m excited about:

1.      Our beautiful new place in Mentor-thankfully the process of finding a new home was as effortless as it could have been.

2.      My 3 week trip to Arizona at the end of April- giving Duke 100% privacy as he approaches the final leg of his boards prep.

3.      Our new life in 2 months without med-school in the way. Free weekends and new memories.

Things I’m discovering:

1.      I have a weird habit of not being able to eat anything I cook!! Is this a disease? Even though it looks pretty good- and I’m the one who chose the recipe- I still am unable to eat it! Does this happen to anyone else??

2.      Duke’s first gray hair. He tried to cover and say it was blonde- but we both knew the truth! It makes me sad to see his stress with school coming out in different ways:(

3.      I am a stubborn reader. When I find an author I like- or a series- it is so hard for me to jump to someone else!  Any good suggestions?

4.      I love watermelons. I may have been the first person of the season to buy one at the store yesterday. Silly but it made me so happy to see them back!

5.      I apparently love making lists. 

Lastly my trip to Arizona was amazing- great friends-beautiful wedding! That post is coming!

An unlikely kind of love

I saw this video clip while I was at the gym today. I had my headphones on, could not hear a thing, but the pictures captured my heart. It is beautiful, and illustrates that love comes in all shapes and sizes (and feathers).

One can find love in so many unexpected ways.
Watch ME:)

Hope it tugs at your heart strings like it did mine!

xoxo

A little love

Valentines day is very interesting. I guess so are all holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays in our house. It's difficult when you're other half has a life that is consumed by school.

It's hard not to get excited for V-day. Although I know it's a holiday created by Hallmark, I still love it. I love all the decorations, the candy, the cards, the flowers.

It was my mission to make Duke feel special this year. I made him a gigantic card and bought a giant Hershey kiss- in other words a perfect gift for me. I also hid a secret dessert in the back of my car so he couldn't find it.

This year was different because although the world was telling me to desire flowers and expensive chocolate, all I wanted was time. I wanted to spend time with my med school student husband. So I asked Duke to come to Yoga with me as my gift- and he said yes. (Yoga is my saving grace these days)

But when I came home- I walked into this:

It just made me so grateful. The letter was the best part- honest words. My favorite gift.

It's special that through it all- he still remembers.

Dinner ended up being heart shaped ham-potatoes-and vegetables. Our first date meal.

Don't mind our stripped plate

I still took Duke to Yoga and he actually did great- more flexible than I would have given him credit for:)

 

Cracks

Came across this cute/inspiring story that reminds us to “honor our cracks and see what we can bring to the world.” Enjoy!

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots; each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.”
The old woman smiled, “Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side?
“That’s because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.
“For two years I have been able to  pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.”
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it’s the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together to very interesting and rewarding.
You’ve just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

So, to all my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!!

yes:)

Last year- on February 5th 2010- I arrived in Erie- to visit my boyfriend! I remember that trip so well, what I packed, all the feelings I had, how many days had past since we had last seen each other.. everything. That's how my brain works when it comes to special moments- I can remember everything- down to the color socks we were wearing.


Duke and I had been surviving a long distance relationship at that point, so every chance to see each other was exciting. The highlights of my calendar last year was not my birthday or spring break, but the special weekends we got to see each other again. 


The night that Duke proposed was ordinary. I was exhausted from a long day of traveling, and I did not want to feel special. I had sweats on and refused to put a brush through my hair. 


The proposal was beautiful. Duke had put a lot of thought and effort into it. It made me feel like a princess and so unconditionally loved. From endless rows of candles to hanging letters from the ceiling, I was swept away.

Looking back on this one year, life has transformed. I am in awe. Moving, graduating, marriage, working, medschool, missing family, friends, Arizona- life has just been a whirlwind. 


At the end of the day, I am so lucky he asked me to marry him- and I am so happy I said yes:)


Here's to our one year engagement!