I have always wanted to put into words what this day means- but I get severe anxiety and sharp stomach pains when i try to bring up the memories. I promised myself I was going to write this post straight through- without erasing much- therefore there are going to be errors in sentences but it's going to be honest and straightforward.
I want to start by sharing a little bit about my father.
He was so amazing. My father was the most self-LESS man in the world. It can be traced back to his twenties when he left his family to come to America to create a life for himself. He worked so unbelievably hard to receive his masters while working 2 kitchen jobs and juggling being a husband/father. Even when I was a little girl I can remember him giving- it didn't matter if it was time, money, clothes- he would give anything for anyone.
My father was diagnosed with cancer when I was in 6th grade. By God's grace he went into remission after surgery/treatment and was cancer free for 5 years. When I was in 10th grade he was re-diagnosed with liver cancer- a more aggressive kind. My father was a fighter- he tried it all- surgery, radiation, 20 different types of chemo- he never wanted to give up. He never shared his struggle though- never expressed how much he hurt- never expressed his anxiety, thoughts, or fears- and that is something I deeply regret not learning.
I lost my father on April 8th, 2008. That is a day I will never forget. I knew I was going to miss him - but i never fully understood the magnitude of it all. This past year I have needed my dad- maybe more than other years. There are so many questions I still need to ask-so many lessons I still need to learn. If I knew- I would have loved him so much better-and I hate feeling like I didn't do all that I could.
The last thing I want to say is please love. do not forget to love. There are so many things I wish I could have done differently- more time I wish I would have spent- more questions I wish I would have asked. I have learned and grown from this experience so much that sometimes I feel like I'm 40 and I've missed my twenties. I just hope I can express respectfully that life is not forever, and we are not promised beautiful, healthy lives. Please choose love. Life is too short to choose hate.
I think I needed to write this more for me, but thank you for baring with me. I can only hope I have conveyed my feelings in a way that pushes you to realize that love is greater than anything else. Even the last words my dad said to my mom was I love you. It was so beautiful.
The last LAST thing I would like to say is despite everything I know my father is in heaven and that gives me so much peace. I am thankful he is with the Lord, free from cancer and pain. Believing that truth brings light into this situation- knowing I will see him one day- and I cannot wait.
Ps. this post is called Kosmo because that was my nickname for my dad. I loved it and I know he did too.