Friday, April 8, 2011


I hate today. I absolutely hate the date of April 8th. (sorry if today is your birthday) but today could possibly be the worst day of my life. In this post I desire to share the story of my dad. This is going to be a long, heartfelt post, so you have permission to turn around and leave now. 

I have always wanted to put into words what this day means- but I get severe anxiety and sharp stomach pains when i try to bring up  the memories. I promised myself I was going to write this post straight through- without erasing much- therefore there are going to be errors in sentences but it's going to be honest and straightforward.

I want to start by sharing a little bit about my father.
He was so amazing. My father was the most self-LESS man in the world. It can be traced back to his twenties when he left his family to come to America to create a life for himself. He worked so unbelievably hard to receive his masters while working 2 kitchen jobs and juggling being a husband/father. Even when I was a little girl I can remember him giving- it didn't matter if it was time, money, clothes- he would give anything for anyone.

My father was diagnosed with cancer when I was in 6th grade. By God's grace he went into remission after surgery/treatment and was cancer free for 5 years. When I was in 10th grade he was re-diagnosed with liver cancer- a more aggressive kind. My father was a fighter- he tried it all- surgery, radiation, 20 different types of chemo- he never wanted to give up. He never shared his struggle though- never expressed how much he hurt- never expressed his anxiety, thoughts, or fears- and that is something I deeply regret not learning. 

I lost my father on April 8th, 2008. That is a day I will never forget. I knew I was going to miss him - but i never fully understood the magnitude of it all. This past year I have needed my dad- maybe more than other years. There are so many questions I still need to ask-so many lessons I still need to learn. If I knew- I would have loved him so much better-and I hate feeling like I didn't do all that I could. 

The last thing I want to say is please love. do not forget to love. There are so many things I wish I could have done differently- more time I wish I would have spent- more questions I wish I would have asked. I have learned and grown from this experience so much that sometimes I feel like I'm 40 and I've missed my twenties. I just hope I can express respectfully that life is not forever, and we are not promised beautiful, healthy lives. Please choose love. Life is too short to choose hate. 

 I think I needed to write this more for me, but thank you for baring with me. I can only hope I have conveyed my feelings in a way that pushes you to realize that love is greater than anything else. Even the last words my dad said to my mom was I love you. It was so beautiful.

The last LAST thing I would like to say is despite everything I know my father is in heaven and that gives me so much peace. I am thankful he is with the Lord, free from cancer and pain. Believing that truth brings light into this situation- knowing I will see him one day- and I cannot wait.

Ps. this post is called Kosmo because that was my nickname for my dad. I loved it and I know he did too.


  1. Thank you for sharing your heart...absolutely beautiful. Praying for your heart this evening.

  2. You are so courageous for sharing your heart. It is very clear from reading this post, that you are your fathers daughter... I see so many of the traits in you that you described him having. I'm praying for you always.

  3. Beautiful Rashin. My heart goes out to yours.